Helpless

I miss you so much already, and it’s only been one day.

I remember the last time I saw you. I spent the afternoon feeling scared. We discussed our future and our feelings and how you’re not happy and you need a change in your life. I was scared because I am so sure that you are all that I want. But you’re not sure about me. You’re not sure about anything right now. I understand that. As much as it hurts, I understand that the change you might need is me. You can’t handle me because I am strong and I know what I want. I am a storm. I am full of emotion and wonder and amazement and you don’t know how to handle that. You say you love me more than you can explain, but you really don’t know how to show me. And I don’t know that you ever will.

So I spent the afternoon scared. I asked you what you wanted from me; if you needed me to leave or stay. You told me to stay, so we sat in silence for probably an hour. We stared at each other, we stared at the wall, you occasionally reached over and caressed my face. We even kissed a few times. All the while saying nothing. Until I asked you if I could treat you to dinner because I figured if we were going to sit in silence, we might as well enjoy some food while doing it.

We got stoned in the car and went out for sushi, and for a few hours I felt so happy and forgot about everything I was feeling previously. We laughed and talked about so many random things. I enjoyed seeing you smile. But I was also confused because you seemed to be having such a good time with me, so how could you really be considering if I was right for you? Either way, I was simply enjoying your company. That night, we went back to your home and fell asleep together. I thought that maybe everything would be okay.

But the next morning, fear and sadness overwhelmed me again. You didn’t roll over to cuddle me like you used to. You barely even looked at me. I spent as long as I could just feeling your chest, your arms, your back. I cuddled you while you faced the wall and ignored me. I wanted to remember as much as I could about this moment because I wasn’t sure if I would ever get to lie next to you like this ever again. I couldn’t hold back my tears, so I had to ask you: where do we stand right now? I knew I needed to leave to give you your space to think, but I needed to know what was happening. You told me you loved me and that we’re not breaking up, you just need a break.

So you drove me home and I hugged you before I got out of the car. I told you that I love you so much and I will be here waiting as long as you need me to. I will always be here because I love you to the bottom of my heart. I will always be yours and I will wait as long as you need me to. I started crying harder because it felt like the end and I asked you if this was goodbye. You told me, no, but you also told me that you needed the space to figure that out. So I stormed out of the car and into my house.

I’ve felt nothing but sick to my stomach and empty since that moment. I’m sitting here waiting for you to message me, to make up your mind. I know you need me and I know I’m not the problem. It’s your job and your friends and your hobbies that need a change. I really think I’m the best thing in your life. But I can only hope that you see things the same way. You’re breaking my heart but I can only sit here and hope that you’ll come back to me, even though I have no idea if you will or not. The hardest part is knowing that I can’t do anything. You are either going to decide you want me or decide you want to leave and I can’t do a single thing. all I can do is wait. And that’s probably the worst feeling in the world, knowing that another human being holds your happiness in their hands and you can’t do anything to change it.

When to Fix a Bridge

You have to know when to listen to your heart and when to listen to your brain.

Say you build a bridge with someone. Whether it’s a friend, lover, family, or anything in between. The bridge is strong and sturdy, just like your relationship and trust with them. It takes a long time to build that bridge. A lot of time and effort and resources. But the bridge looks good and you think that it could weather any storm and survive any attack.

So, the first time they hurt you, the cords holding that bridge in place get cut, and the bridge falls apart. Maybe you two break up, or your friendship ends, or you get into a huge fight and can’t bear to see each other. You might think that the bridge can never be fixed. But then they come back and apologize and you forgive them because hey, everyone deserves a second chance. You’re willing to take that chance because you cared about them and you believe that they made a mistake or the way that they behaved is not who they truly are. So you rebuild that bridge, but there’s only so much you can do to fix it, and it ends up looking like one of those rickety, sketchy kind of bridges you see in a jungle in a movie. The kind where the characters in the movie walk slowly across it scared that it might snap. Your bond with them and your trust in them aren’t as strong, but it’s enough.

So life goes on and everyone is happy. You were right and they really did just make a silly mistake. They aren’t really that terrible person that you thought they were the first time the bridge was broken. It was all just a misunderstanding. But what if it wasn’t…

What if they destroy that bridge AGAIN. They decide to not just cut the cords of the bridge but blow the entire bridge up. They destroy not only the bridge itself but the rock face that the bridge was built into and the surrounding area. Now there is no possible way that the bridge can ever be rebuilt because there is no foundation to build it on. Clearly, they are not the person you thought they were because they did the same stupid thing they did the first time and you fell for it. They not only ruined the relationship that was built between you two, but they also damaged the foundation that you will use to build relationships with other people.

So the question is, do you forgive them that second time and possibly let them do damage that can never be undone, not only to your relationship with them but to all of your other ones after that? Or do you risk not giving them that second chance to protect yourself, but in turn, you might forfeit being able to rebuild your bridge with them? The hard part is, you’ll never know which choice is right until you’ve made it and the consequences unfold.

Proud to Be a Woman

I am so proud of what happened yesterday in Washington and I am even more proud to be a woman. I’m not usually one to get involved with politics and news around the world, but this event really pulled at my heart strings. Because I, as a woman today, have goals and dreams that wouldn’t have been possible many years ago because of gender inequality.

I wrestle freestyle, which wasn’t even a sport that women used to participate in. Women’s wrestling was only introduced into the Olympics in 2004…. only 14 years ago!! Yet here I am, working my ass off to be stronger, quicker, and more powerful, which are qualities that never used to be associated with women. We are expected to be cute, dainty, and elegant. This should no longer be the standard.

I am also proud to be working towards my education; a privilege that a lot of the women in the world don’t have. It used to be thought that women shouldn’t have careers or goals, we should be at home raising the children, cleaning the house, and cooking dinner for when our husbands arrive home. But I refuse to live my life by this standard. I am going to complete my bachelor’s degree, my master’s degree, my Ph.D., and then I will be working hard in a career I love, and no one is going to tell me that I can’t.

NO ONE should tell ANY woman that they can’t do these things. Or that they’re not strong enough or deserving of this kind of life. EVERY woman is capable of doing anything a man can do, and more!

Sophisticated Seduction

Sophisticated Seduction

Balmain white sweater
430 CAD – net-a-porter.com

McQ by Alexander McQueen mini skirt
445 CAD – ifchic.com

Jimmy Choo suede boots
1,110 CAD – mytheresa.com

Louise et Cie leather purse
310 CAD – lordandtaylor.com

Anne Sisteron rose gold earrings
9,805 CAD – annesisteron.com

Cartier i love jewelry
7,540 CAD – truefacet.com

Boohoo layered necklace
6.55 CAD – boohoo.com

Quartz watch
8.98 CAD – rosegal.com

Paraben free lipstick
28 CAD – princesspolly.com

Love is a Delicious Poison 

Isn’t it odd how someone can hurt us, over and over again, and yet for some mysterious reason we still want to forgive them? They break your heart and ruin any chance of you trusting them again, but yet you still feel some small amount of compassion for them. You want so badly to believe that they’re still a good person and that they had good reasons for doing what they did to you, but you know deep down that that’s not true. They don’t care about you and they don’t care that they hurt you. This is the hardest truth to face, in my opinion. You can love someone so much but they can just leave, or stab you in the back, or be unfaithful, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. The worst is when your bond together ends, and it isn’t by your choice, it’s by theirs. That is such a hard pain to fight through because you didn’t want it to be over, but you have no choice except to live with the situation they put you in.

Maybe one day in the future, they’ll come back to you and “realize their mistake” and try to apologize and fix things between the two of you… but you know that it would be stupid of you to forgive them. They haven’t really changed and they don’t plan to, they just need you for something, whatever that shallow reason may be. So maybe you decide to forgive them regardless of your better judgment, or maybe you don’t. But the fact is that they will just hurt you again. Whether you choose to acknowledge that or not, deep down you know they will.

Sometimes loving someone can be like drinking poison. You try it once not knowing what the outcome will be and even though you get the worst flu of your life and manage to survive, it was the best tasting thing you’ve ever tried. Forgiving someone that hurt you is like choosing to drink the poison again knowing what it put you through the first time just because it tasted incredible. So why do we do this to ourselves?

“Why don’t you just get over it?”

If I’m upset over something, why should I have to “get over it” just because everyone else thinks it’s been long enough? Well, maybe it hasn’t been long enough for me. I’m a very emotional person and it takes me a long time to accept and be okay with certain things. Sometimes when I’m hurt it takes me a long time to get over it. And I don’t see what’s wrong with that.

There’s a particular issue in my life that has been bothering me for some time now, and no, I’m not okay with it yet. It still makes me upset even though I’ve tried to accept it and forget about it. Yet everyone keeps telling me that I should be over it by now because “it’s been long enough”. But who gets to decide if it’s been long enough? Surely, it should be the person who’s going through the trauma. Yet everyone I try to talk to about the problem thinks that they know what’s best for my heart. I’m even uncomfortable talking to people about it now because everyone thinks I’m being silly. I don’t feel like my friends accept that there’s still something wrong because they just make me feel stupid for bringing it up. “That’s still bothering you?” “Just let it go, it shouldn’t make you upset!” “You don’t need to keep obsessing over it.” “Didn’t that happen months ago?” “You shouldn’t let it bother you.” Well, it does! I just get the same responses over and over, and it’s not fair. Everyone is different and if you’re my friend you should understand that I don’t get over things easily and you should help me through the problem, not make me feel stupid for still being hung up on it. I think it should be okay to grieve over things for as long as you need to, and that length of time is different for every person and situation.

Real Friends Can Take Constructive Criticism

I am getting real damn tired of trying to tell my friends (or in some cases, people who I USED to think were my friends) the honest but harsh truth and ending up with them hating me because they aren’t mature enough to handle it! If we are friends, I should be able to tell you my honest opinion without it meaning that I am making a judgment on your character. I don’t say it because I want to hurt your feelings and I’m not saying you’re a terrible person; I’m simply commenting on a specific behaviour which doesn’t reflect who you are as a person. I don’t expect you to agree with me nor do I expect you to take my advice at all, I just feel that if we are really friends and we have respect for each other you should be able to listen to what I have to say without it ending in a loss of friendship or hurt feelings. I would expect the same of my friends if I was doing something stupid; I would want them to tell me and I wouldn’t want it to be sugarcoated! There is such a thing called “constructive criticism” which is only a suggestion for improvement or a suggestion for how things could be done better. I have dealt with this kind of criticism my entire life from parents and coaches, so I understand how beneficial it can be. When my coach tells me that I fucked up, it’s not because they hate me or think I’m a terrible person, I just made a mistake that can be corrected for my own benefit. Sure, maybe I’m not happy about what they said particularly and I might be upset about it, but I’m not going to hate them because they tried to help me. In fact, I respect them for telling me what I needed to hear! And if you are so easily willing to cut me off as a friend because I told you the truth in an effort to help you, then were we really ever friends at all?

 

So please, tell me when I fuck up, tell me when I’m being stupid, and tell me when I’m being lazy and I need to get my shit together because I would appreciate that! Sometimes it becomes very easy to make excuses and rationalize for the way we are behaving and sometimes we need an outside opinion to tell us the truth so that we can realize what we’re doing wrong. I understand that, and I hope that my close friends would understand that too. So when I tell you you’re being stupid, I don’t think that you as a person is stupid, I think that you made a stupid choice and you can do better for yourself. It comes from a place of love, NOT hate!