Helpless

I miss you so much already, and it’s only been one day.

I remember the last time I saw you. I spent the afternoon feeling scared. We discussed our future and our feelings and how you’re not happy and you need a change in your life. I was scared because I am so sure that you are all that I want. But you’re not sure about me. You’re not sure about anything right now. I understand that. As much as it hurts, I understand that the change you might need is me. You can’t handle me because I am strong and I know what I want. I am a storm. I am full of emotion and wonder and amazement and you don’t know how to handle that. You say you love me more than you can explain, but you really don’t know how to show me. And I don’t know that you ever will.

So I spent the afternoon scared. I asked you what you wanted from me; if you needed me to leave or stay. You told me to stay, so we sat in silence for probably an hour. We stared at each other, we stared at the wall, you occasionally reached over and caressed my face. We even kissed a few times. All the while saying nothing. Until I asked you if I could treat you to dinner because I figured if we were going to sit in silence, we might as well enjoy some food while doing it.

We got stoned in the car and went out for sushi, and for a few hours I felt so happy and forgot about everything I was feeling previously. We laughed and talked about so many random things. I enjoyed seeing you smile. But I was also confused because you seemed to be having such a good time with me, so how could you really be considering if I was right for you? Either way, I was simply enjoying your company. That night, we went back to your home and fell asleep together. I thought that maybe everything would be okay.

But the next morning, fear and sadness overwhelmed me again. You didn’t roll over to cuddle me like you used to. You barely even looked at me. I spent as long as I could just feeling your chest, your arms, your back. I cuddled you while you faced the wall and ignored me. I wanted to remember as much as I could about this moment because I wasn’t sure if I would ever get to lie next to you like this ever again. I couldn’t hold back my tears, so I had to ask you: where do we stand right now? I knew I needed to leave to give you your space to think, but I needed to know what was happening. You told me you loved me and that we’re not breaking up, you just need a break.

So you drove me home and I hugged you before I got out of the car. I told you that I love you so much and I will be here waiting as long as you need me to. I will always be here because I love you to the bottom of my heart. I will always be yours and I will wait as long as you need me to. I started crying harder because it felt like the end and I asked you if this was goodbye. You told me, no, but you also told me that you needed the space to figure that out. So I stormed out of the car and into my house.

I’ve felt nothing but sick to my stomach and empty since that moment. I’m sitting here waiting for you to message me, to make up your mind. I know you need me and I know I’m not the problem. It’s your job and your friends and your hobbies that need a change. I really think I’m the best thing in your life. But I can only hope that you see things the same way. You’re breaking my heart but I can only sit here and hope that you’ll come back to me, even though I have no idea if you will or not. The hardest part is knowing that I can’t do anything. You are either going to decide you want me or decide you want to leave and I can’t do a single thing. all I can do is wait. And that’s probably the worst feeling in the world, knowing that another human being holds your happiness in their hands and you can’t do anything to change it.

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